The Backflip PK Rant

Did you see this clip that's going around of the kid who does the backflip PK? It's real special. Because he pulled it off everybody thinks this is cool but we all know that if he would have missed he would have been the subject of 263 "fail" posts.

BTW have I mentioned how over the whole "fail" phenomenon I am? It's dated, lazy, unoriginal and I just can't deal with it anymore. At this point it is the meme equivalent of doing the Budweiser "whaazuuuuuup!"

So while I'm whinging and moaning this a.m. here are a few other things that I just can't handle any more.

-Attendance jokes, particularly on Twitter: if you think we ALL don't know which teams have thin crowds, and that the reasons for this can be explained in 140 characters or less you need to stop reading this blog right now and call the phone number listed on this page. The ironic thing is that the same fan who calls out another club's attendance woes will go all bristly the second any Jim Rome clone makes mention of it. This is like badmouthing your mother then wanting to fight because someone just said "your momma's so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway."

-Calling games between teams not located in the same city "derbies": If the two teams involved are not part of the same Nielsen Ratings DMA it is not a derby.

-Open letters: If you really want a certain person or entity to hear what you have to say on a particular topic you really should contact them and not everyone else. Google is amazing for tracking people & organizations down and most of the time they will appreciate you reaching out to them rather than blowing them out on the internet. Or don't. But just be warned that when you write an open letter you look like the guy who rants at town hall meetings or his niche blog.

-Me: I need to lose some weight, maybe get my teeth fixed. And I should stop being miserable all the damn time. Remember back when TOR first started? Sh*t was all light and jokey and happy. Hell, I think I was happy then. WTF happened? Life.

-Trying to be hard at a soccer game in North America: Why are you trying to be hard at the stadium on Saturday evening when you were being Mr. Mom and watching Nick Jr. on Saturday morning? Do you realize that the American soccer fan has the highest median income of fans of any team sport in the country? Do you know that most of the players on the field went to college, many on only partial scholarships so they still had to actually have some money to pay for school and be smart enough to actually graduate on merit, not star athlete status. AND despite what songs we may sing at each other ALL of our parking lots are full of SUV's because in North America the beautiful game is "the bourgie-ful game." Sh*t you probably paid for your ticket & Fred Perry attire with a credit card...how the hell is being bank-approved worthy of hard man status*? Just saying.

-Friend requests from people I do not know: If we've never met, emailed, swapped comments or tweets why should we be Facebook friends? And why would you send me a friend request without a note explaining who you are if I don't know you? And if I don't know you why would you want to see pictures of my kids or my vacation? That's weird, right?

-People who are offended by this post: Why is everything about you all the time? Ugh. It's so exhausting.

*Have you seen this Tipped Pique Cardigan from Fred Perry? So bourgie, so hard, so dope, so me.

"My Bad" (Or the "I Got My Comeuppance" Post)

Yesterday sucked and I think it's because I'm paying penance for being an ass at times on this blog. I've taken some shots at people over the years and now that they're coming my way I have to sack up and recognize that. So since lists are so hot right now here's 5 of the people I'd like to apologize to (in no particular order):

• Taylor Twellman: I know you're an opinionated sports guy yourself and get being a fan but I went overboard on you at times in your playing days (and not even in the most artful manner). Since playing was your job, winning an MLS Cup was probably a goal of yours; some of my jokes about you not achieving it were over the top and unnecessary. My bad.
  

• Torsten Frings and the German national team: I should have been mad at Hugh Dallas, not you.
  

• Alexi Lalas: I talked a lot of trash back in the Metro days but he's a solid guy. Even after all the ridiculous things I wrote that he may or may not have read, he was still one of the first to reach out to me after my brother passed. That's a real dude right there.
  

• Freddy Adu and Little People: I was recently told by a 'little person' that the term midget is widely frowned upon in his community and viewed as derogatory. So with that I am placing the title of The Biggest Midget in the Game™ on the shelf right next to the no longer in use Landycakes tag.

• EVERYONE WHO NEEDED TO SEE THEIR OPTOMETRIST AFTER ALL CAPS WEEK. Sorry y'all, I promise to never hang my issues on you in the form of extreme font makeovers ever again; I'll start a therapy-specific blog for that.

Take it way Timbo & Timberlake (BTW why haven't these two done another record?).